Sunday, April 6, 2014

Okay, okay, I get it!

Today was the first Sunday in our new church building. A building is just a building. Nothing more to it than its four walls. Leaving the old building, and starting fresh in the new one had me emotional, and I really wasn't expecting it. As I sat in my chair soaking everything in before service started, all of the pain, emotions, and healing that took place in that old "building" came flooding in. Those old four walls meant something to me. Pieces of my heart and mind that were shattered, were put back together there. Remembering the incredible things God did in the old building, and anticipating what He was going to do in this new building was so overwhelming. 

Minutes later a song was played and these lyrics slapped me in my face.

"Oh the things we do in His name
I wonder if He shakes his head

And thinks that’s not what I meant
What does hurting, the hurting, prove
If we’re supposed to love
I wonder why we judge
When grace has, graced us too"

I have always said that hurt people, hurt people. This was me, and really, is still me. I was too prideful to admit that I was the one hurting on the inside, therefore my immediate reaction was to hurt others. Truthfully, it was never on purpose, but that was the condition of my heart, so that's what flowed out. Even though it was never directed towards a specific individual, my persona, facial expressions, quick temper, and speech was/is not always purposeful in building others up. 

I have been given more than my fair share of second chances. Grace has covered more than I deserve. I set out a goal a while back to extend grace to others, as grace has been extended to me. But, I've forgot about that goal along the way. Who we are on the inside flows out of us on the outside. As a wife, my ultimate goal is to be that prized possession to my hubs, because of the goodness and kindness that flows out of my heart. Not only towards him, but as a person in general. Have you ever felt like you just wanted to be a "good" person? I have, and I do.  I want my kids to naturally love God, and embrace His love based on how I live. I want those around me to want to love God, and follow Him because of how I live. I don't want to be liked or loved because of me, but because of the things that Christ has done in me.

Hopefully, I'm starting to get this right. Hopefully, God won't have to constantly shake his head at me. Or you! 

Saturday, April 5, 2014

What it was; where it's going!

When I started this blog I only had one child. When I decided to start this blog AGAIN, I had two. Well I'll be darn if I don't have three kids now. Reading my first blog, and the few in between brought so many memories of where I was at that time in life. How easy I had it and didn't know it. Full time mom, full time working-mom, full time wife, full time house keeper, full time diaper changer, full time you name it, I'm it. I haven't lost my sanity, yet. However, I have mysteriously gained quite a few gray hairs over the last couple of years! I tried covering up those bad boys with some over the counter color-in-a-box, but unfortunately they are as stubborn as my first born. ;( 

Before I was a mom I had convinced myself that disciplining your kids cannot be that difficult. Now that I am a mom, that theory is still true. The difficult part is realizing you cannot force your child to obey and listen. Thinking God would give me an easy first child, one that never disobeyed, always did what she was asked, didn't talk back, scream etc., when in all actuality that could not be more opposite. Not being a strong-willed person myself, I struggled severely with trying to relate to my very strong willed child. Many tears, prayers, and behaviors that I am not proud of, I have finally started to understand her. For so long I felt she was lashing out at me, and could not wrap my mind around why she would NOT listen to ANYthing I said or her daddy for that matter. The crime is worth the punishment to her, that just pretty much sums it up. Everyone always told me, "being strong-willed is a good thing, it's just knowing how to and steering it in the right direction." And they are right! The older I get, the more strong-willed I become. Growing up I never bucked the system. I was too shy, quiet, never spoke what was on my heart and mind. (Insert horrible communication skills as an adult now. Yuck!). My second baby comes along. She's laid back, at first! Then she turns into the climbing on the table, drinking water from the toilet, kind of kid. Now she's two. Lawdy, she's your typical two year old! She's hilarious and makes me want to pull my eyes out all at the same time. Sometimes I just want to sit and be lazy, and instead I'm calling her name 20 times trying to locate her in the house because she's too quiet. Bless her heart. Then my third baby comes along, and I get that sweet, cuddly, innocent, melt your heart, precious baby boy. With each kid, my heart grew that much more. With this baby boy, it tugged on some deep heart strings that I didn't know where there. Of course, I don't love him more than my girls, there's just a bond that is clearly for momma's and their baby boys. He's still pretty perfect at the moment (he's only 4 months old!). He finally figured out how to sleep all night, and sleep in... seriously it doesn't get any better than that! 

Life with three small children is very adventuresome. I wish there were more moments that I wrote down. I wish there were so many more times that I didn't turn into beast momma mode. I wish there were more times that I just let the mess be made and realized they are just a kid. I wish more moms took time to take care of themselves, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and everything else in between. That's where I'm at in my journey. Learning to not spin more plates that I can handle, and not being too prideful to admit it. Letting the little things go, and sometimes the big things. Heaven forbid we extend Mercy every once in a while. Being a better listener, communicator, wife, mother, friend, and person in general is a journey I've been on for a while. When I look back I don't see near the progress I should have made. 

No more. No, this is not my New Year's resolution... duh, it's April. This is the better me, resolution.